Screw Sensibility

*WARNING - this post contains no happy thoughts. It is not meant to target any individuals, it is merely a very needed venting of emotions*


I know that I always try to look on the bright side of life, to see everything with a silver lining. Life is just better that way, but today I need to get this out. Call it reactionary, unnecessary, or even crass, but I can’t handle keeping this in right now. Everyone needs to vent sometimes.

I just can’t bring myself to be the bigger person. I have encountered only a couple of situations in my life where being the bigger person has been too hard for me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t be happy for someone and the relationship that is affecting me. Even though I know logically that their relationship has no actual bearing on my life, my emotions completely override any sensible thought. I just can’t bring myself to be happy for them. The memories, past hurts, and even good times come flooding in all at once when I think about their relationships. And it is anything but a jealousy issue, because it all boils down to my interaction with that person.

The worst part, is my immediate reaction is always to cut that person out.

I have relationships that I consider ‘toxic’. I define these relationships as ones where I feel worse about myself with each interaction. One where the person has no interest in my feelings, intentionally hurts me, or is unwilling to change a behaviour that they know is hurting me. Because of my reaction right now to things I read, all I want is to cut these people out of my life. But then I have to deal with ‘the infected’. These are the people who are close to the ones I’ve cut. And the list then becomes endless. Sometimes I wonder why I keep these people in my life, these people that make me cry, that push me to the limits of my self confidence, that betray me intentionally or not. And then I remind myself that there is always good in everyone. I strive to find it in everyone, and I have yet to fail. Sometimes that good is fleeting, and other times it is the intention that is misunderstood. I try to be the bigger person and keep them in my life, to remind them of their good qualities, and to enjoy the time we spend together.

And other times I can’t be the bigger person.

I repress so many emotions in order to keep these people in my life. I forgive past hurts easily, but trust and forgetting are not a virtue of mine. All the emotions come flooding back uncontrollably and I have to work really hard to move past them. I hope with every situation that in time it will go away. But right now it hurts. It feels as though the wound is freshly cut.

I learnt with Sean that time does heal wounds, but every once in a while salt is thrown in. The body then has to work harder to conceal the depth of the pain. The healing then restarts, and takes even longer. The catch? The wound never fully heals. It remains as a scar to forever remind me of where I’ve been. I am only who I am because of these scars, and because of the wounds that are trying to heal right now. The test is moving forward. The test is forgetting the person as the wielder of the weapon, but seeing them rather as a creator. I wish I could get there right now, but I can still feel it bleeding.

12 Days

I follow a belief that every day should be lived to its fullest, or at least appreciated it for the adventures it brings. And yet, there’s something about Christmas time that amplifies these days into disappointments or memories to share in later years.

I can’t say that I’ve had many disappointments this year. Frankly, this month has brought me a new sense of happiness and joy that I haven’t experienced in a while. I don’t know if it’s because I feel I have a purpose, all the time I’ve been spending with family and friends, or else just the Christmas season, but I do know that I need to take this wonderful joy of life into 2011.

I can say, however, that I have had many wonderful days this month. So many that it was hard to choose which days to write about. But in the spirit of the holidays, I’m going to tell you about my best 12 days of Christmas this year.

1. November 11, 2010: My 12 days began in November. I went to a remembrance ceremony with my Dad, my neighbour (and second father) Cliff, and Yan. When we got home, the weather was too perfect to pass up, and my Dad and I started working on the Christmas lights for the house. We have been doing these lights together for 15ish years, and it has become a wonderful bonding experience that I look forward to every year. My father took the next day off work and we spent the entire weekend doing the lights. I see our house as a testament to the strength and faith we have in our relationship.

2. November 13, 2010: My neighbours (and second parents) Cliff and Colette hosted an engagement party for Yan and I. It was the first time in a year and a half that I had the opportunity to be in the same house as the Pocono Crew. As far back as I can remember, our street has had parties for every occasion. Even Friday nights during the summer are an excuse to get together and drink on the lawn with 20+ people. Growing up I thought this was normal. Only recently did I realize how fortunate and blessed I am to have grown up with such love and support on a wonderful street. Having them come back together for our engagement party was more than I could have asked for.

3. November 20, 2010: I volunteered to go with my Dad to Calgary to help take care of my Grandparents. My Grandfather is terminally ill with less than 3 months to live, and my Grandmother is getting into the later stages of Alzheimer’s. It was by no means an easy trip, but I was given such a wonderful gift this day. My Grandfather spent the previous day complaining about how horrible everybody is and how he wanted to go to Holland. An intervention with care workers did nothing to stem his opinion of a hospice. He saw it as a place to dispose of the “unwanted”, and did not understand what a hospice is truly about. After much effort, we managed to get him to see a hospice on the morning of the 20th and my Grandfather became a different man. He was excited and wanted his name put on the list. He said he was happy he didn’t go to Holland. It was the only time I was there that I almost cried. The change of heart was such a relief, and I was so happy to see him understand that we were not trying to get rid of him, but rather, take care of him. He is now in the hospice and I am beyond happy that I will be able to hear his voice this Christmas.

4. November 27, 2010: Yan took me to Toronto to see the terracotta warriors. I was expecting to be impressed, but I was blown away instead. We had such an amazing weekend together. The hotel room was gorgeous, the day spent at the Museum perfect, and the nights romantic. I feel so lucky to have found someone that I can spend so much time with and be so happy. Toronto was one of Yan’s Christmas gifts to me, and it was wonderful.

5. December 4, 2010: The Santa Shuffle. Audrey, Yan and I all went out to do the Santa Shuffle at Tunney’s Pasture. I was so proud of Yan – it was his first 5km. He did so well! And I was shocked at the support from Audrey. She is a marathon runner, and I was expecting that she would run ahead and race the race. Instead, she stayed behind and cheered Yan on. She said she thought it was more important and fun to run with us than to run it as a race. I have amazing friends and I am constantly amazed by the things I learn from them. And the best part? Hot chocolate and a cookie after the run!

6. December 12, 2010: Lisa’s Birthday. It’s unusual now for me to see my sister. She floats in and out without much communication and we have such different schedules that we don’t get the chance to talk anymore. For this reason I was really looking forward to her birthday. It was a night that she gave entirely to the family. Shane, Gitanjali, Yan and I are normally around, but having Jake and Lisa is a rare event. We went to Lone Star and then opened gifts and ate cheesecake at home. It was a really great night, and I got to hear something I haven’t heard in a while – Lisa laughing.

7. December 15, 2010: Nativity. As a thank you to Yan for buying Trans-Siberian Orchestra tickets, Emma and Gennaro took Heather, Yan and I to see Nativity. We met at the Rideau Center and had dinner then went to see the show. Something exciting always happens around my friends, and tonight a bottle of water was spilt on the lady in front of us from the balcony above. Luckily, it mainly hit her jacket. Emma and Gennaro always make me laugh, and it’s great to see a couple that puts Yan at ease. The show was fun and I got to visit with some people from the NAC that I haven’t seen in over a year. It was so nice to be reminded of some of the people who have given me this wonderful enthusiasm for life.

8. December 16, 2010: A Blog Post. I was surprised to find, when I woke up on the 16th, that Heather had written a blog post about me and how I was exactly what she needed last year. The words could have been taken out of my mouth about her. Heather has said that she is a gesture kind of a girl: she reads affection and gives affection through gestures. I have never been good at giving affection, and even less so at gestures, and this just blew me away. I felt so loved , so appreciated, and so much warmth towards Heather. I have connected with her in a way that I haven’t with a friend in years. I am so lucky to have her in my life, and this is the most precious gift I have received this year.

9. December 17, 2010: Secret Santa. Heather invited me to her Secret Santa party. I was really excited, but also very nervous. I’m not good at coming into an already established group of friends, but this year she also invited Val and Emma, so it made the transition easier. Val was so nice to drive both Emma and I, and Emma came and put up with hyper me despite being sick. The party was a lot of fun, and after a couple of glasses of wine, I was right in there talking to everyone. I didn’t want to leave. I had such a great time and I am so happy to finally spend some of it with Heather’s friends. She is an important part of my life, and so I feel that they should be as well. And when I got home that night my Grandma Withers was there to greet me. We stayed up talking until 1:00am. And for those of you who do not know me, that is WAY past my bedtime.

10. December 18, 2010: Tree and Stuart McLean. Doing the tree is a very important thing in most families, and we are no exception to the rule. We get all decked out in Santa hats, blast Christmas music and dance while decorating the tree. It is truly a family affair in my home, and this year we are lucky enough to have my grandmother and only one broken ornament! And after the tree, we went to see Stuart McLean at the NAC. The show is never AMAZING, but it is nevertheless my favourite thing to see and I look forward to it all year. In my three years of working at the NAC he was the only performer who ever thanked us, and I can’t help but leave that show with a smile. Not only that, but I got to see Ken that night, and he has a contagious happy go lucky attitude that I can’t help but love.

11. December 22, 2010: Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Yan took the day off of work to start (and finish!) all of his Christmas shopping. So after an exhausting day, we left with Shane and Gitanjali to pick up Heather in farhaven. We met up with Emma and Gennaro at Boston Pizza, and after a great dinner (with enough piano lessons for everyone!) we went to see the concert. It was long, but it was so much fun. We danced, we joked around, and we sang horribly! It was such a great night, and I couldn’t help but be hyper with all of the love from my friends, the excitement from the concert, the Christmas spirit, and the fact that I am one lucky girl.

12. December 24-25 2010: Christmas Eve. Once again I hit the life jackpot. Yan and I will never have to worry about which house to go to and fight over Christmas arrangements, because I am marrying into a Quebec family with a very different tradition. Yan and his family celebrate Reveillon. I absolutely adore the tradition. We stay up playing games, watching movies, playing with the dogs, talking and having a really late dinner. At midnight, the gifts are opened. His family is absolutely some of the most generous people I have ever met, and I feel so welcome in their home. Life is a jackpot every way I seem to turn...
My family is always together on Christmas day. This will be the first year that someone is not there. Shane will be celebrating with Gitanjali. I know this is a transition period in our life, and Christmas’ together will become fewer and fewer, but I will still mourn the change. Nevertheless, Shane will be home in the morning and Christmas will pass as per usual. And what better day than Christmas to accept change? A new year is approaching, things will be changing, and I am as ready as ever to step forward.


Life is an adventure. Embrace it, embrace others, and bounce your way through!! It is cliché, but it’s true that you never know how much of it you have left.