My Fairy Tale

Most little girls have their fairy tale wedding planned before they can even understand love. I was never that girl. I never held to the expectation that what I wanted at so young an age would be what I wanted later on. My mother always said I was wise beyond my years.

I used to write myself notes when I was a kid. I would write them for the future me. The me who was ‘old’, aka 20. I found some of those notes. One of them said: “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters as long as you love him”. Wise indeed.

I feel like this is the same stance I am taking with my wedding. It doesn’t matter how many people are there. It doesn’t matter how many things go wrong. Nothing matters as long as we are getting married. That’s all that matters: we are getting married.

And because of this, I had no expectations for the ‘perfect’ engagement.

We had been backpacking for 2.5 weeks already. We had seen so much: England, Belgium and Germany, and now we were exploring the country of my passion: Greece. I’ve spent so long studying it and dreaming about going, that being there was like a dream. I didn’t even realize I was there until after I had left. Yan was the same way. We were on the Acropolis. We saw the Parthenon. We walked the same streets as Cimon, Pericles, Aristotle, Plato, Alcibiades, and so many others whose stories I could recount over and over again. We were there. In the heart of everything I loved.

After two days of exploring Athens, we took a day trip out to Cape Sounion. Located at the southern tip of mainland Greece, it was a beautiful site. I wanted to see the Temple of Poseidon – one of the most important temples in Ancient Greece. We saw it as we turned a corner on the bus. Sitting there on a cliff by the water was the temple. It was beautiful. Little did I know that this would be the place for many more dreams, not just the ones I knew of the past.


It was 45 degrees Celsius. We weren’t exactly the most attractive of people when we made it to the top, dripping with sweat and gasping for more water. I walked around taking pictures as Yan made his way to the cliff to look over at the water. He called me over and I smiled, excited to see what he had discovered. I pointed out at the boats, taking pictures and telling Yan stories. He was distant, but I was too excited to notice how nervous he was.


Looking at the temple he asked “Chandra, do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”. I laughed and said yes. He was always asking this question, so I thought nothing of it, until he reached into his pocket. He pulled out the box and opened it and my hands went straight to my mouth.

“Then I have a question to ask. Will you marry me?” I cried and said yes. Then in typical Chandra fashion, I tackle hugged him and we kissed.

He told me later that he had planned out an entire speech in French, but when he got there, he just forgot all the words because he was so nervous. He didn’t kneel because it was too rocky. He said he was a little upset because it didn’t go exactly as he had planned.

I didn’t care. I loved it. It was so Yan and it was so me. Everything was perfect, and I had no idea what my perfect was. That’s how I knew he was right for me – he always knows my perfect. He knows my fairy tale ending. And in the end it didn’t matter.

I have no idea what that note I wrote years ago was in reference to. But at least I now understand what it means: “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters as long as you love him.”

Choices

Commitment.

That is one terrifying word! I know I certainly used to be afraid of it. One day I was ready, the next I was warning Yan not to ask me because I would say no. I didn’t know what I wanted. Like everything else in my life right now, I was lost.

This is the time for me where decisions have to be made. I am walking through a forest of various pathways. All are open to me. All are inviting. But there are no clues as to what lies at the end of each path, or what I may encounter along the way. And the further I walk, the narrower my choices. The narrower each path becomes. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

My father told me that he loves watching us, his children, at this point in our lives because we have so many decisions, so many ways we COULD go. He will support us no matter what we choose. It’s just about making that decision.

As a child we are told we can do anything. It’s true. But unless that child is set upon a goal so concretely in their mind, the options are endless and the outcome confusing. I have two degrees: a BA in History and Classical Studies, and an MA in Greek and Roman Archaeology. I did what I wanted to do, but now I have no idea where these are taking me. I’m excited to find out, and afraid of possible failure.

And yet I am making decisions. I left law school. I choose to sign up for German classes. I contacted old professors to ask about possible PhD opportunities. And I applied for a TA position. I am making decisions, and slowly losing fear. Each day my path becomes clearer, and each day I understand where I am going.

I can’t see clearly yet, but I can see the next turn.

Life is always full of adventures...

Friendships

I need to get this out. I’m just so frustrated right now. I don’t understand the twists and turns of some friendships. And most of the time, I think it’s my lack of understanding that brings about these twists and turns.

I’ve never found being close to people easy. I like to keep my distance and just stay friendly. That way things stay fun, and I don’t have to be vulnerable. Many of my friends don’t know all the sides of me, they know me as a person, and they know my hopes and dreams.... but they don’t need to see grumpy Chandra. She is reserved for Yan...

I think the older we grow, the more our priorities change. We go from “best friends” into relationships that define our lives. I haven’t had a “best friend” since grade 10, and that ended when we both entered into our first relationships. Since then, things have changed.

Now my “best friend” will always be Yan. He is my mentor, my student, and my soul mate. He is the one I rely upon for any emotion that comes my way. He does the duties that a childhood friend fulfilled years ago.

When I look at most of my friends now, it’s the same way. We have a network of friends, but no “best friend”. We’ve evolved into a new sort of relationship with our friends. Most of us have less and less time to see each other, as our lives become filled with work and responsibilities to the one we love. We are busier and have a hard time getting together. So we are losing friends, as distance creates a gap. But we still keep each other close. Not as close as High School, or even undergrad, but still comfortably close. But I don’t mourn the past – I look upon the present as a new and exciting adventure. Change isn’t always for the worst, especially when others are changing along with you.

I know I can rely on all my friends. I can call them if I need help and any one of them would find the time to listen. I am truly blessed by the amazing people in my life, and that they understand where I am in mine.

Life is harder and harder as it goes on. Ironic coming from someone who is 23, but I am slowly being crushed by the responsibilities that come with leaving home. Luckily I have my fiancée to help me, and my friends to laugh with when we are so frustrated that we just need to get our rant on!

And yet, I have lost a lot of friends along the way. Megan – my cute and lovable Megan. She always knew how to make me smile, and always supported me when I needed a friend the most. It was like she had a sixth sense and would call me up when I was upset. And I lost her to misunderstanding. God I miss her.


And now another friend: Brian. We were so close, but recently things have been tense because our friendship has caused a rift with his significant other. I understand because our friendship didn’t evolve as my other friendships evolved. We remained the same and his significant other wasn’t comfortable with it. And today I made the rough decision to be the bigger person and tell him that things have to change. I’m horrified that I will lose him. And god knows I’ll miss him too.


I sit here today nostalgic, confused, and very depressed. I miss Megan and Brian, but I have to remember that I have so many other friends. And although I’m sure I’ll lose others along the way, I know that I will always have support in those who remain. I will always have Yan, my “best friend”.

I’m looking forward to the future, with my network of friends. I love them all and I cherish every minute I have free to see them. True, those moments are sparse, but it’s not about the amount of time we spend together, it’s about how we spend that time. And god knows we know how to have a good time.

Thank you, to all my friends, past and present.