Screw Sensibility

*WARNING - this post contains no happy thoughts. It is not meant to target any individuals, it is merely a very needed venting of emotions*


I know that I always try to look on the bright side of life, to see everything with a silver lining. Life is just better that way, but today I need to get this out. Call it reactionary, unnecessary, or even crass, but I can’t handle keeping this in right now. Everyone needs to vent sometimes.

I just can’t bring myself to be the bigger person. I have encountered only a couple of situations in my life where being the bigger person has been too hard for me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t be happy for someone and the relationship that is affecting me. Even though I know logically that their relationship has no actual bearing on my life, my emotions completely override any sensible thought. I just can’t bring myself to be happy for them. The memories, past hurts, and even good times come flooding in all at once when I think about their relationships. And it is anything but a jealousy issue, because it all boils down to my interaction with that person.

The worst part, is my immediate reaction is always to cut that person out.

I have relationships that I consider ‘toxic’. I define these relationships as ones where I feel worse about myself with each interaction. One where the person has no interest in my feelings, intentionally hurts me, or is unwilling to change a behaviour that they know is hurting me. Because of my reaction right now to things I read, all I want is to cut these people out of my life. But then I have to deal with ‘the infected’. These are the people who are close to the ones I’ve cut. And the list then becomes endless. Sometimes I wonder why I keep these people in my life, these people that make me cry, that push me to the limits of my self confidence, that betray me intentionally or not. And then I remind myself that there is always good in everyone. I strive to find it in everyone, and I have yet to fail. Sometimes that good is fleeting, and other times it is the intention that is misunderstood. I try to be the bigger person and keep them in my life, to remind them of their good qualities, and to enjoy the time we spend together.

And other times I can’t be the bigger person.

I repress so many emotions in order to keep these people in my life. I forgive past hurts easily, but trust and forgetting are not a virtue of mine. All the emotions come flooding back uncontrollably and I have to work really hard to move past them. I hope with every situation that in time it will go away. But right now it hurts. It feels as though the wound is freshly cut.

I learnt with Sean that time does heal wounds, but every once in a while salt is thrown in. The body then has to work harder to conceal the depth of the pain. The healing then restarts, and takes even longer. The catch? The wound never fully heals. It remains as a scar to forever remind me of where I’ve been. I am only who I am because of these scars, and because of the wounds that are trying to heal right now. The test is moving forward. The test is forgetting the person as the wielder of the weapon, but seeing them rather as a creator. I wish I could get there right now, but I can still feel it bleeding.